The Should's

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The “should's” in life is the greatest obstacle we face in regards to our mental health.  Every day, I sit with my clients as they unpack everything that they are unhappy about and it goes something like this:

I “should” be married - I feel awful that I am not.
I “should” be having a baby - I feel terrible that I have not yet.
I “should” be earning more money - I feel like I am failing.
I “should” look better - I feel bad about myself all of the time.

My clients, and perhaps you, my reader, may feel like you are up against what your family, culture and society expects from you.  Or maybe you are not falling short at all but you are unhappy because you are not living the way you imagined you would be at this stage of your life.

The biggest barrier to satisfaction is to compare and contrast each aspect of your life but especially in the era of social media (i.e. Instagram) it is so easy to get caught up with each swipe.

The should's are endless:

I should be prettier, thinner and smarter.  I should have more friends.  I should be more social.  I should get out more.  I should take more trips.  I should exercise everyday.  I should cut carbs.  I should be more productive.  I should be neater and more organized.  I should… stop being so hard on myself.

Isn’t it exhausting?

Everyone has heard the platitude, “It's not about the destination, it's about the journey.” 

Well, it is called a platitude for a reason.

I wholly believe in goals and growth; not staying complacent in one’s life.

However, if you can’t be happy where you are in the moment, you won’t be happy wherever you are headed.

The way to stop living in the should's is to refocus your thinking and attention to the things that do feel good in your life.

Here are five ways you can stop living in the “Should's”:
1. Focus your thinking and attention on what you have versus what is missing.
Feelings follow thoughts and if you change your perspective, your feelings change too. This is not always easy, but spending a few minutes trying this will make a difference. It is a great first step.

2. Practice gratitude.
If you put in place a ritual to remind you, it will go a long way. It does not have to be a lengthy exercise and you do not need to write it down. Before you go to sleep, reflect on your day and think about three, specific moments that you are grateful for.

3. Give to others. 
It allows you to realize what you have and forces you to pay attention to something outside of you. It is joyous when you make a difference in someone’s life. It does not have to take a ton of time or money, even kind words to the people in your day to day life can count as this.

4. Find meaning and purpose in your life where it is right now. 
Why do we search so hard for something that is already prevalent? Taking care of a child, spouse, pet or plant, growing vegetables in your garden or completing a task at work: take pride in what you are doing.

5. Make space for joy and pleasure. 
Whatever you love to do, do it! Make room for it. Eat your favorite food, get a massage, listen to music, spend time with friends, etc. When you are doing it, you will think to yourself: why do I not make room for this all the time?

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