​​​Debbie Magids, PhD​

Why You’re Still Single (And How to Change That)  Part II - How to Break the Subconscious Contract


If you’re having difficulty forming a love relationship of your own because you’re subconsciously putting your parent’s emotional needs first, I’m going to ask you to perform an “Emotional Parental Amputation.”  

The reason I call this an amputation is because it’ll feel like you’re losing a part of yourself (an “emotional limb”), which is very traumatic.  If you don’t perform an emotional parental amputation, you’ll never be free.  

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a relationship with your parents.  I think our relationship with our parents is extremely important.  However, you need to shift the way you connect with them so the connection becomes adult-to-adult, versus child-to-parent.  

At first, you may worry you’re creating a situation that will be difficult for your parents, but this will be just as hard for you.  As you take these five steps, be prepared to grieve and feel loss.  It’s…

Why You’re Still Single (And How to Change That)- Part I

"I'm normal, attractive and have a good personality, so why am I still single?”

By all measures, my NYC clients are the most motivated, savvy and successful -- but they’re also the most terrified.   They’ve inexplicably struggled in their pursuit of long lasting relationships and love.  And they want to know why.

My response is always the same: “Tell me about your parents.”

Like most of my clients, you probably come from a very loving family. You might not think of this as cause for concern, but in fact, it may be at the very root of why you’re perpetually single.

Outwardly, you seem independent.  You’re happy with your living situation, career, and financial status.  You have a great circle of friends. You may even consistently find yourself in relationships, thinking you just haven’t found “The One.”  So you may not realize that the core reason you haven’t been able to “close the deal” with another person is an over-connec…

For those of us a bit older, remember what it was like when you did not meet someone organically? First it was the personal ads in the back of New York Magazine, and then it was match.com.

Now it is as easy but really as hard as a swipe to the left or right based on a photo.

There are two experiences I hear about all of the time. The first is that a person cannot seem to get a date. Either they are not matching with people or never get passed the initial texting phase. For others, they get a million dates but it is so hard to find someone that you feel a connection with.

This makes app dating another forum for rejection, frustration, competition, disappointment, anxiety and depression.

What else comes with app dating? The pressure from outside influences, typically your loved ones, who look at it and believe its so easy to date. Just swipe and magic! So-and-so met on an app, so it must be simple! The ease of it is deceiving.

When anyone finds it hard, they look to outside re…

We may hear, “Life is short, pay attention to what’s important” all of the time, but do we listen?

In my work on myself and when working with my clients, I am always asking the question: are we living our life in the best way or are we living to avoid fear? Is this why we stay in relationships too long, work too much and let the small stuff get us down?

We must ask ourselves:

Are we making enough time to connect to the people we love the most?
There is nothing more important than the people we cherish. It tops money and all materials. The most joyful people are those that have close connections.

Should we be letting go of people who do not make us feel good?
They do not have to be toxic people in our lives, but focusing on them means we are spending less time on people that bring us joy.

Are we enjoying our lives enough?
Joy for each of us is different. Some people find joy in their work and if you are one of them, you are so fortunate for getting to do something you love for so many hours a…

I love being a psychologist.  It is a really unique job.

As in any field, no two shrinks are alike.  Therapists have different levels of education, completed different internships and field placements, and went to different schools.  People recommend therapists for a variety of reasons.  Shrinks may hold a certain place in society, have many books written or had multiple guest appearances on TV.  For me, as a provider and consumer of therapy, these considerations do not mean much.  We need to know what to look for besides their outside image.

A problem I see is when someone is in need, and they put all their trust into the professional:
“Oh, but this person has a doctorate, they must know what they are doing!”
“She helped my friend through the most difficult points of her life so she can do that for me.”

It is a confusing process... figuring out what good therapy really is.

One therapist can be great for a person, but not connect to someone else.

If my practice has taught me one thin…

Living in New York City, it seems that everyone has a shrink presently, or met with someone at some point in their lives.

But there are so many who do not, and who would benefit from it so much.   They have seemingly legitimate excuses to not start: they do not want to spend the money; they do not have time; they work too much; their problems are high class or first world; they can speak to their friends; they can speak to their mother.

This may reveal what is happening unconsciously for a person: they do not feel deserving of help; it feels indulgent; they are afraid of what therapy might reveal; they cannot deal with what happened when they were young.

For people in their 20’s, there is the barrier of youth and time.  At this age, you rationalize that it will all just turn around. It is extremely hard to differentiate what is a real issue versus what is growing pains.  The transition from college to work, break ups to dating and finding new love, figuring out how to balance a socia…