Dating in the Age of the Apps

For those of us a bit older, remember what it was like when you did not meet someone organically? First it was the personal ads in the back of New York Magazine, and then it was match.com.

Now it is as easy but really as hard as a swipe to the left or right based on a photo.

There are two experiences I hear about all of the time. The first is that a person cannot seem to get a date. Either they are not matching with people or never get passed the initial texting phase. For others, they get a million dates but it is so hard to find someone that you feel a connection with.

This makes app dating another forum for rejection, frustration, competition, disappointment, anxiety and depression.

What else comes with app dating? The pressure from outside influences, typically your loved ones, who look at it and believe its so easy to date. Just swipe and magic! So-and-so met on an app, so it must be simple! The ease of it is deceiving.

When anyone finds it hard, they look to outside reasons why they cannot get this going: if only they were younger, thinner, more handsome or pretty, had a better job, made more money, went to a better school. Well, I assure you that it is none of these because it is happening to everyone. I see clients from the ages of 24 to 60, and the most interesting finding is no matter the age, or the looks, everyone is having the same exact experience.

So why do we keep trying?

One reason goes back to Behavior Reinforcement 101 - partial reinforcement. It is like going to the slot machines. Sometimes you will hit the jackpot and this will inspire you to keep pulling the lever but there will also be times that the odds are never in your favor. With the apps, everyone knows of someone who has met someone on one, so there is a sliver of hope. The other is the feeling of helplessness. You do not know what else you can do to meet someone, so you try again.

With every swipe and every date that goes nowhere, it feels disappointing.

There are different nuances and pressures depending on gender and your decade of life. I can say this confidently because of what I see in my practice. I learn so much from my clients and perhaps sharing this will bring you some comfort if you can relate.

The 20’s:
You are trying to catch the wave of finding someone before that dreaded 30 hits because that is the magic number everyone is worried about: “not being in the right place for their age”. There is also a lot of pressure from families, feeling the loss of friends that are meeting people and worrying that you will be the only one left.

The 30’s:
Women begin to fear you will not be able to have babies if you do not figure it out soon.

The 40’s:
There is divorce and children and complications you bring with you to the table. How much of this do you share on the apps?

The 50’s:
You are dealing with aging bodies, the competition of young people and the fear that no one will want to date you at this point.

For both genders it may play out differently, but rest assured, when my guys cannot find real connection, they hurt just as much.

Where do I stand on the apps?

I believe they have a place and purpose. I do believe it is possible to meet someone special.

Yes, it is time consuming.
Yes, it can take an emotional toll.
And yes, you need to keep going.

For one, I do believe it helps you feel a bit more in control of your dating life instead of waiting around for a fix up or meeting someone organically. Also, I am a strong believer in energy in the universe.

By opening up and putting it out there that you are ready to date and be active in the dating pool might just open you up to meeting someone in other ways as well.

Here are my tips to navigate app dating:

Move on quickly.
If someone isn't asking you out - or for guys, not committing to a time to meet, don’t waste your time.

A little banter goes a long way.
No need to do too much texting before the date. Too much can give you a false sense of connection which can lead to major disappointment, or at times you can miss out on someone great because he or she is not great on text.

Do not analyze it too much.
You start a text exchange - even make a date, and then he or she disappears. Too many get stuck on why. Do not take it personally. You never met and you will never know why. It could be they met someone else, or they were never really available to begin with. It doesn't matter… next!

Meet for a short period of time.
Make it known beforehand. There is nothing worse than feeling stuck on a date and have to stay for too long if there is no connection - and too many do not set the boundary from the beginning. This is draining!

Do not have sex on a first date.
The most you can do is kiss goodnight - and this goes for girls and guys. Sexual attraction has nothing to do with liking someone. And especially for girls - it can feel the same and confuse everything.

Soul Search.
Make sure there is not a hidden belief somewhere that this will never work for you. You have to get in touch with the truth of what you feel and believe. I have seen it play out over and over again for the last 20 years - if you have any hidden belief in you that this will not work for you or are closed off at all, it will not happen. Those who are emotionally wide open and hopeful always tend to date more.

Take a break.
If burnout starts to set in and you are no longer really open to meeting, delete the app. Take an app vacation. Once you are reinvigorated, start again.

Perseverance, like anything else in life, is key here. You cannot give up. The goal is to stay motivated to meet the next person. Your number is coming up.