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Dating in the Age of the Apps

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For those of us a bit older, remember what it was like when you did not meet someone organically? First it was the personal ads in the back of New York Magazine, and then it was match.com. Now it is as easy but really as hard as a swipe to the left or right based on a photo. There are two experiences I hear about all of the time. The first is that a person cannot seem to get a date. Either they are not matching with people or never get passed the initial texting phase. For others, they get a million dates but it is so hard to find someone that you feel a connection with. This makes app dating another forum for rejection, frustration, competition, disappointment, anxiety and depression. What else comes with app dating? The pressure from outside influences, typically your loved ones, who look at it and believe its so easy to date. Just swipe and magic! So-and-so met on an app, so it must be simple! The ease of it is deceiving. When anyone finds it hard, they look to o...
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Life is Short, Let’s Make it Count

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We may hear, “Life is short, pay attention to what’s important” all of the time, but do we listen? In my work on myself and when working with my clients, I am always asking the question: are we living our life in the best way or are we living to avoid fear? Is this why we stay in relationships too long, work too much and let the small stuff get us down? We must ask ourselves: Are we making enough time to connect to the people we love the most? There is nothing more important than the people we cherish. It tops money and all materials. The most joyful people are those that have close connections. Should we be letting go of people who do not make us feel good? They do not have to be toxic people in our lives, but focusing on them means we are spending less time on people that bring us joy. Are we enjoying our lives enough? Joy for each of us is different. Some people find joy in their work and if you are one of them, you are so fortunate for getting to do something you love for so ma...
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What to Look for When Choosing a Therapist

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I love being a psychologist.  It is a really unique job. As in any field, no two shrinks are alike.  Therapists have different levels of education, completed different internships and field placements, and went to different schools.  People recommend therapists for a variety of reasons.  Shrinks may hold a certain place in society, have many books written or had multiple guest appearances on TV.  For me, as a provider and consumer of therapy, these considerations do not mean much.  We need to know what to look for besides their outside image. A problem I see is when someone is in need, and they put all their trust into the professional: “Oh, but this person has a doctorate, they must know what they are doing!” “She helped my friend through the most difficult points of her life so she can do that for me.” It is a confusing process... figuring out what good therapy really is. One therapist can be great for a person, but not connect to someone else....
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How Do You Know it is Time for Therapy?

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Living in New York City, it seems that everyone has a shrink presently, or met with someone at some point in their lives. But there are so many who do not, and who would benefit from it so much.   They have seemingly legitimate excuses to not start: they do not want to spend the money; they do not have time; they work too much; their problems are high class or first world; they can speak to their friends; they can speak to their mother. This may reveal what is happening unconsciously for a person: they do not feel deserving of help; it feels indulgent; they are afraid of what therapy might reveal; they cannot deal with what happened when they were young. For people in their 20’s, there is the barrier of youth and time.  At this age, you rationalize that it will all just turn around. It is extremely hard to differentiate what is a real issue versus what is growing pains.  The transition from college to work, break ups to dating and finding new love, figuring ou...
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The Ups and Downs of Social Media

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Social media is always a hot topic in my world, but it seems to be amplified for my clients during summer. This month, I am noticing how it makes my girls and guys feel about themselves… summer seems particularly difficult. I think because it is summer there are high expectations to be having fun. This is different in the winter when people tend to hide out more, stay inside, and have an easier time hiding their feelings. When the weather changes, people are out and about whenever it is nice out. They take even more pictures than usual: from extravagant vacations to Greece to weekending in the Hamptons and all that’s in between… falling in love, showing off their summer bodies, and sharing anything they can that may make another person feel less about themselves in that moment. Social media in and of itself is not a bad thing, at least for its original purpose which is to connect people, it is an amazing tool for business and it is also a way to reach people that was not availa...
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Small Changes Make a Big Difference.

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Thanks to technology and social media, starting at a very young age we are more aware of what is going on in the world than ever before. Today there are more solutions presented to change our habits and behaviors to minimize the way we damage our environment.  There are now energy saving cars to hurt the environment less, paper straws to not hurt turtles, vegetable burgers that taste like beef to not hurt animals and the environment, but still, people stay stuck in their ways to avoid experiencing any discomfort.  We actually cannot use the excuse that we didn’t know, or that there is not scientific data behind global warming. One person cares about plastic, so they do not buy anymore small bottles of water, but they eat meat.  Another will not give up plastic straws because they love them.  No one wants to give up their cars, especially the SUVs. People treat their dogs and cats as family members but do not seem to want to care about the rest of the animal ...
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The Should's

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The “should's” in life is the greatest obstacle we face in regards to our mental health.  Every day, I sit with my clients as they unpack everything that they are unhappy about and it goes something like this: I “should” be married - I feel awful that I am not. I “should” be having a baby - I feel terrible that I have not yet. I “should” be earning more money - I feel like I am failing. I “should” look better - I feel bad about myself all of the time. My clients, and perhaps you, my reader, may feel like you are up against what your family, culture and society expects from you.  Or maybe you are not falling short at all but you are unhappy because you are not living the way you imagined you would be at this stage of your life. The biggest barrier to satisfaction is to compare and contrast each aspect of your life but especially in the era of social media (i.e. Instagram) it is so easy to get caught up with each swipe. The should's are endless: I should be prett...
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